Why? Why did it have to be this way? There are so many Elves and they could have had their pick. Why did they instead take this path? What drove them to it? Was it me, did I do something wrong? Or is it simply a cruel fate; that could never have been avoided?

“We understand and will accept your ruling.” His voice is soft, accepting what has come to pass. “May we collect our things?”

“Under guard and you must be swift,” she replies. “Death will be upon your heads if you have not left by sundown.” It is not a threat, merely a fact, yet it sends a shiver of fear though my veins.

Oh Eru, I cannot believe this is happening. My whole world is crumbling around me. I feel as though I am walking on ice, expecting it to break beneath me at any moment. Part of me wants it to, so that I might escape this horror.

I watch as they are led away, to see their home one last time. I follow numbly, wondering if I will even be permitted to say goodbye.

As we walk by others stare at us… they know - everyone knows now. Some are sympathetic, others disgusted, a few simply look confused and on a couple of faces I see something even rarer – understanding.

We reach our home and they swiftly go about their tasks. They have not spoken to me, but in their bags some of my things go too. I do not mind – they could take it all and I would not care.

Their weapons are held by the guards, yet I am assured that they will be returned to them later. It is cold comfort, but comfort nonetheless. It is likely all I will get. Before long they have packed what their bags can hold, there is no room for anything else. Again they are led away, to the borders now, borders they have guarded faithfully for years. How cruel and desperately unfair that despite their loyalty and dedication, one small crime should be enough to destroy everything.

At last they turn to me and even the guards step back. The guards don’t want this either – some of them were even their friends. They wrap their arms around me and I hold them tight, my tears falling freely, though they are still trying to be strong. Their words are bitter music in my ears.

“Do not worry about us, we will be fine.”

“Always remember that we love you and Valar willing, will be reunited again some day.”

“I love you,” I force the words out. “I always will. I will see you again.”

They smile, kissing my cheek and slowly step back. The guards return, taking them by the arms and leading them to the tree line. They are handed their weapons and I hear the voice of the captain telling them that they must not look back, nor must they ever be found within twenty miles of any Elven territory, on pain of death.

They nod in understanding and their eyes meet mine one last time. Then they turn and walk away, entwining their hands in a subtle sign that they have followed the path they truly believe in.

I stand, my eyes fixed on their departing forms, until at last they are lost to my sight.

It is then that I scream, then that I fall to my knees in despair. They have gone and for all of my promises I know not if I will see them again. Strong arms wrap themselves around me and help me up, but they hold no comfort for me. I sob brokenly as they take me home, not that it is much of a home any more.

More pity – they have never seen me like this, I was ever the strong one. But it does not matter now; I have lost the will to care. When at last they leave I curl up on my cold bed, again asking the Valar why. If nothing else, why did they have to get caught? No one would ever have known.

Long into the night I cry, wondering where they are now, if they are well. So many dangers roam Arda these days. I hope that they have found a camping spot and that they have built a fire and are wrapped in each others arms. No one else ever saw what I saw – the tenderness and gentleness with which they treated each other, the utter purity of their love. It never seemed wrong to me, it was so natural. The looks they gave each other and they way they smiled at me when they sat together.

Suddenly, something wrenches in my heat, a flame that I had never before known was there. I sit up, the sheets tangled round me as my mind replays those moments. Like a candle in the darkness, I see the truth. Those looks, they were not simply loving - they were inviting! All those years they had been silently asking me to join them but I had not picked up on it. They would never have asked outright because of the laws they were already breaking, but they had asked.

I feel ill, trembling as I realise that I have lost even more that I had thought. I know now that I want it, to be part of what they share, laws be damned. Yet it is too late – they have gone, exiled for all eternity. I am too late.

Or am I? Swiftly I jump out of bed, with strength I had thought was lost to me. I pack my bag, much as they had earlier. All that is left behind is unimportant. Grabbing my weapons I leave what was my home without a second thought and make for the borders. Rank has its advantages – I know paths and routes that others do not. It is no easy task but I eventually slip past the guardians on duty and away from Lothlórien one last time.

I have lived and loved here, but no longer. I do not care that I may never see Valinor or that my days may be spent wandering. Such things are unimportant.

Opening my heart I feel a gentle tug and I smile. My heart will guide me to where they are – we will be together again soon. When I find them, then I will truly be home. For home is where the heart is and it is with those dearest to my heart that I belong. They are my brothers, Rúmil and Orophin and I know that true belonging awaits me in their arms. Will I curse myself? Maybe. But I care not, for not all curses are evil.

END