Title:
If Only
Author: Tuxedo Elf
Rating: G
Summary: Thranduil thinks about and to his father
a little while after his death.
Notes: This could be connected to ‘Under
the Green Trees’ but it’s not officially.
If only things had gone differently. If only we had planned things
differently, or had changed our position on the lines. If I had
seen the ambush before you did, or if those who called themselves
our allies had come to our aid. So many things might have been
better then. You might still be here, under the green trees you
loved, instead of far away, in a place where I cannot reach you.
Instead,
I am alone and the trees give little comfort. Maybe in time
they will, but for now they hold too many memories and the songs
they sing are full of sadness. Yet I would expect nothing else,
so many fell and our home feels as empty as our hearts.
When
I led the remains of our troops back home I thought my heart
would break. It was a pitiful sight, the remnants of a once
formidable force, now no more than a ragged band of weary soldiers.
There were so many waiting for us when we crossed the borders,
but only a handful had cause to smile that day. For most of
us, there were only tears.
Mother
was at the front of those gathered and I saw her close her eyes
in despair when I appeared alone. In truth though, I think she
knew. The two of you were so close; I cannot see how she had
not felt it already. Though maybe, in her desperation, she had
chosen to ignore it, to keep hoping until the truth stared her
in the face, as it had then.
I
went to her, maybe faster than was proper for a Prince and warrior,
but I cared not. I had already lost my father; I wanted my Mother
and was not ashamed to admit it. The embrace was a comfort to
both of us; we had been strong for so long, it was a relief
to find strength in another.
Yet
I knew she would not long be with me. She would not fade, for
she had always cherished life, but she would sail west, to seek
relief from her pain and loneliness on the shores of Valinor,
until you finally return to her. I will be sad to see her go,
but I cannot blame her. In her place, I suspect I would do the
same.
My
expectations came to pass swiftly – she waited only for
my coronation before she sailed. It saddens me that I could
not accompany her to the Havens, but I am a king now and must
be here for my people, though it pains me. Maybe one day I will
understand how you managed to be both a Father and a King, for
it is something that still eludes me.
I
have discovered that is it is no easy task to be King. I thought
that as a prince I knew much, but I was wrong. Before I had
you and Mother to lean on, now all lean on me.
Oh
Father, what am I to do? I see the way they look at me. They
look to me to restore our home to its former glory, to guide
them through the pain of loss that we are suffering. Do I have
it in me to do that, to set my own pain aside for the good of
my people? You would tell me that I do, but I am not sure. I
will try though, for your sake. More than anything, I want to
make you proud of me.
I
wonder; will I ever stop missing you? When centuries have passed
and maybe I have wed and had children, will I miss you still?
Or will I simply remember you and the times we shared? I hope
it is the latter. I want to smile when I think of you and to
laugh when I tell my children of the times we had together.
At
this moment though, I wish you were here. I need your guidance
now as I have never needed it before. Every day as I walk through
the woods I wonder how to put the joy back into the lives of
my people. You would know. You could tell me what path to take,
how to make then look at me as they looked at you.
If
only I could speak with you, just one more time. If only I could
speak with you, just one more time. I have long since passed
my majority, yet more than anything I want to hear you say that
all will be well, that I need not worry.
Sometimes,
I think I feel you in the breeze as it blows through the trees
and I wonder if it is just my imagination. I want to believe
it is not, that you are here, guiding and loving me. I want
to think that you haven't completely left your people; that
somehow you are still with us.
But
maybe... maybe it doesn't matter. Perhaps all I really need
to do is keep you in my heart, for you to be here. Maybe by
doing that you will see all the things I wish for you too see.
If that is so, then the answers to all my questions are not
as far away as I have thought - they are already inside me.
There
is a warmth in my heart then and I know I am right. Love and
life are forever connected; even when a person is gone they
live on in the hearts of those that love them.
If
only I had figured that out long ago.
THE
END
