There is mud on my boots, in my clothes and in my hair. I do not
care. Once I would have, would have found a river before reaching
home to avoid the teasing. No longer.
I reach our - my - talan and climb up. It is exactly as I left
it of course. Why would it not be? Gone are the days of scattered
cloaks and boots, of inappropriately illustrated scrolls and last
night’s dinner plates. The talan is clean, tidy –
and so terribly empty.
I
undress, peeling the muddy clothes from my equally muddy body.
Stepping into the bathroom, I fill the tub and step in. The
warm scented water cleans my skin and soothes my aching body
– though it does nothing for the ever-present ache in
my heart.
I can still see them when I close my eyes, bickering about who
gets the bathroom first, who is going to be late for patrol,
who used the last of the scented soap.
Dipping my head under the water I let myself drift back to a
time that wasn’t really all that long ago.
*Flashback*
“Orophin!
How much longer are you going to be? I have to be on patrol
in twenty minutes!”
Poor Rúmil, he always overslept. He was never late though,
always got there just in time. It was something of an art form.
“Would you keep it down? I’m trying to sleep!”
Ahh Haldir, he’d only got back a few hours ago. It had
been a long patrol, he would likely sleep until late that day.
I couldn’t blame him for shouting at Rúmil; I would
have done the same.
“Alright, I am coming! I have patrol too you know!”
I finish washing and open the door, still tying my braids. Rúmil
shoots past me so fast I drop the hair I was working on.
I
grumble as I start again, making my way to the table for a bite
to eat before heading out to the borders. Before I can eat though,
I have to clean away the dirty plates Haldir obviously used
last night after he came in. Honestly, he can be such a slob!
I
have just finished my breakfast when Rúmil dashes into
the room, barely pausing to grab his cloak and a slice of lembas
before dashing out of the door.
“Orophin, come on!” He calls, already three trees
away. Shaking my head, I grab my own cloak and weapons and chase
after my brother.
I
have to laugh as I see him leaping through the trees. Even for
an elf, he is extraordinarily agile, hardly touching the branches
as he passes. It is that skill that has made him one of the
best soldiers in the Golden Wood. Often when he attacks, his
foe does not even see him coming.
He stops, turning back to me, trying desperately to catch up.
He’s laughing as he waits, bouncing lightly on a slender
branch.
“You know I am not that fast!” I tease when I reach
him.
“You are now.” He grins and then grabs my hand,
pulling me along with him. I gasp in shock, doing my best not
to fall. We are equals in archery and swordplay and I am agile
enough, but it is all I can do not to fall from the branches
to the hard floor below. Still, should I fall he will catch
me. He always does.
*End
Flashback*
I
surface, that last image still so bright and clear in my mind.
I push my wet hair back from my face, trying to pretend the
wetness on my cheeks is simply bathwater.
Slowly, I climb from the bath and reach for a towel. I dry off,
slipping on clean leggings and moving to brush my hair.
My heart stops in my chest as I pick up the brush. This was
a gift from Haldir, after he accidentally broke my last one.
It even has my name carved into the wood, so that nobody else
could mistake it for theirs. It’s beautifully crafted
and I can’t help but wonder how much of his pay he gave
to buy it for me.
With
a sigh I place it back on the shelf, returning to the main room
of my lonely talan. It’s a big room, too big now. It was
built for three, not one.
I prepare a simple meal and move to the balcony to eat. This
is where we used to gather most evenings, unless separate patrols
had split us up. We’d talk softly, joke, tease and laugh
with each other, no matter what had happened during the day.
As long as we had each other, nothing was ever that bad.
I
can’t stop the tears now, falling into my discarded dinner
plate. Why am I here? Why do I go on, day after day, when all
that I lived for is lost? Both Haldir and Rúmil were
older than me and I always looked up to them, loved and admired
them. Even when we fought, when I’d lose my temper at
their attempts to coddle me, it was never serious. Not once
in all our years did we go to our beds on bad terms. That was
just the way things were.
The
emptiness in my heart is almost crushing and every day it gets
worse. I try to ignore it - I go on patrols, I see my friends,
I keep busy. Even the Lord and Lady have had me to dinner a
few times, so deep is their sympathy. But eventually, I always
have to return here, to this large, empty talan. I can hardly
even look at the doors to their rooms, closed since the day
we left for that last battle.
I
bury my face in a pillow, sobbing my heartache into the soft
fabric. I wasn’t meant to be alone; I need my family by
my side. Had someone cut my arm off, I would not have felt so
incomplete. My heart is shattered and I do not think it will
ever mend.
I
stay there, curled up on soft cushions and pillows. I hold one
close to my chest, as if it could somehow ease my pain. It can’t,
of course – nothing can.
Even the wooden platform beneath me becomes wet from my tears
and I wonder if others nearby can hear my broken, heart wrenching
sobs as the loneliness once again gets the better of me.
Eventually I fall asleep, exhausted by my tears and still clutching
the pillow close.
*********************
I
wake again at the rising of the sun, the golden rays warming
my chilled body. Slowly I rise, wincing as my muscles protest
at the awkward position I slept in all night, worsened by the
nighttime wind, that chills even elven bones.
Stretching, I move back inside, to bathe again and ready myself
for another long and lonely day.
After
the bath I feel somewhat better, warmer, if nothing else. I
put on a clean uniform and braid my hair in its usual style.
I am not expected at the barracks for some hours, but I have
no desire to tarry here any longer than necessary.
“Orophin,
how much longer are you going to be? I want to bathe!”
No.
Oh Valar, save me, I’m hearing things. So clear, so real…
“Orophin!
Today please!”
I
race to the door and throw it open; hoping for the best, but
knowing it cannot be. I have simply reached a new level of grief.
“Are
you done?”
I
can’t believe what I’m seeing. He stands before
me, dressed in clothes of human design, though he has his own
cloak, somehow. He’s far too thin and there’s a
nasty scar down the right side of his face. But I can see his
chest move as he breathes, see the light and life that still
sparkles in his eyes. His mouth is curved upwards in a slightly
cheeky grin. He is really here, really alive.
“Rúmil?”
My voice breaks, I do not understand how this can be. He died;
I saw his body, cold and lifeless amongst so many others!
He smiles and places his hands on my shoulders. “I know
what you saw.” He says softly. “I almost died, the
blow to my head sent me to the very gates of Mandos’ Halls
and I was left for dead. If a young human had not spotted that
I was still breathing, I would have been lost for sure. As it
was, I slept for over two years. It took almost another year
until I was well enough to travel. I came home as soon as I
could, my brother, please forgive me.”
I
can’t speak; my emotions threaten to overwhelm me. Suddenly
I lurch forward, grabbing him and holding him tight, still not
really believing that he is here, that this is real.
“Hush, Little ‘Phin.” He soothes, using the
baby name I always hated before. His hands rub my back comfortingly
and I sob into his hair.
“I’ve missed you so much.” I manage to choke
out between sobs. “I’ve been so alone.”
“I Know, Little ‘Phin.” He replies, his voice
full of regret. “Haldir knows too. I saw him sometimes,
when my spirit weakened. But we love you so much, my brother
and that love gave me the will to return. I am here now and
one day Haldir will be returned to us again.”
I
nod, the reality that my brother was really here slowly sinking
in. My heart still ached for Haldir, but yes, I would see him
again. I had faith now, having been given this incredible miracle.
“Thank you.” I whisper. “Thank you for coming
back to me.”
“Always.” He smiles. “I’ll always come
home. But if you don’t mind, I really would like to bathe
now!”
I laugh then, though I am still crying and hug him tight once
more. I know I am back to a world of muddy boots, carelessly
discarded cloaks and bad jokes. Nothing has ever seemed sweeter.
THE
END
